reflections
i typed this on friday night. needed to talk to someone.. even if it was just the computer. needed to vent. i dont know why im posting it up here but i guess since this is a blog its going to have all kinds of bits and pieces about my life in it. ups and downs. and maybe one day ill come back and see this and be like oh. how interesting. i wasnt going to post it because maybe someone i dont want seeing this would see it. but i dont really care right now. because this is life. things happen and you cant help that. and if you think differently of me after reading this then so be it. but just remember that no body on this earth is perfect, least of all those who judge others for flaws in their humanity.
what a day.
thought that we had part II of English sac. gearing up for that in the morning even though the sac was in the afternoon. then comes announcement. year 12s to the hall now. dammit. whyyyyyyy? first period is my free. I need to study for sac. somethings going on.
indeed. we find out about the death of another year 12. as soon as penso announced that there was a collective gasp and a blanket of silence over the entire hall. people who say that others don’t have an aura are sadly mistaken. if you were there you could feel the change in the air. we weren’t told how he died. but I think everyone assumes suicide.
now I didn’t really know this person. he was in my English class last year and I hate to speak ill of the dead but I didn’t really like him to be completely honest. that is definitely not to say I am glad that he has gone if anyone out there intends on twisting my words and making up implied meanings. I would never sincerely wish death upon anyone. but from my past experiences with this guy I think its fair to say that he didn’t really like me either.. for reasons that we can never really understand. sometimes we just don’t like people I guess. clash of personalities.
but yeah a lot of people who didn’t even know him felt sad today. sacs cancelled. everything kinda just went slowly. I didn’t cry or feel overly sad but I did feel different. kinda guilty I guess. like I said I didn’t really like him.. and now hes not around.. and not going to be around. I know that in my thoughts I just wanted him to go away and stop annoying me.. not that he went out of his way to do it.. just in class.. but now he really is gone. I never meant ‘gone’ like this. just be careful what you wish for.
so I didn’t really feel like breaking down at school like some did. but when I came home I was reading this piece written by a former student at my dads high school in Cambodia. A guy a couple of years younger than pa. it was just about the years leading up to the civil war in the 70s.. the boys were guarding the school with guns at night to protect it from Vietcong bombings…forming bonds with guys.. forming bonds with the girls who brought them food and medicine and helped them wash their clothes and catch up on missed lessons.. getting in fights with guys from other schools who came to perve on the girls at my dads school.. lol apparently they had a reputation for being hot. if you look at them now you wouldn’t know LOL. anyway over a couple of years of guarding and stuff leading up to 1975, some of them bonded really well and became really close friends. and then on april 17th 1975 (I never forget that date) the communist Khmer Rouge overthrew the govt and came to power. they evacuated the entire capital city of Phnom Penh in a day and forced everyone to walk out of the city. two students from my dads school, a boy and a girl who had become an ‘item’ after those years of bonding, both 18 years old, decided to walk with each other instead of their families. the boy came to the house of the writer of this piece I was reading during the evacuation and told him what he was doing. these two best friends had no way of knowing it would be the last time they would ever see each other. So once they were out of the city everyone was eventually split into working groups and forced to go and do rice farming. the boy and the girl managed to stay together and were happy.. as happy as they could be anyway. but then one day, the boy was suddenly taken away. the communists suspected him of being an 18 year old fighter pilot for the former government they overthrew. sif 18 year old fighter pilot. they used any excuse to kill. he was taken away in broad daylight and executed in the jungle. the girl was heartbroken and became more like a wandering ghost than a person. thin, starved body, hollow face, hollow soul.
one day, the former student who wrote the piece managed to meet this girl, 2 years after the forced evacuation. they were still doing forced farming, and just by chance these two found each other. their eyes met from afar and they ran toward each other, held hands and were speechless. they just stared at each other for a while. the student asked the girl what had happened to her boyfriend. she told him he was killed. the student was in shock. but soon they had to part. the girl asked the student if he had any salt for her to eat. salt. all they were given each day was a bowl of watery porridge.. mostly water with maybe 10 grains of rice in the bottom. she was so hungry she wanted to eat salt. the student gave her his daily ration of half a rice cake and she left. and as she did it began to rain. the student said he broke down then. and with every drop of rain he said a prayer for his friend to find peace and remember to look after his friends left on earth.
at that point I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down too. just everything that’s happened today and this story.. and I imagined what it would be like if it happened to us now. what if? these people were our age when it happened to them. they had close friends and strong bonds like we do. what would I do if I lost my friends? that’s the question I asked myself over and over as I sat against the wall and yum’d. what would I do? what if I met one of my friends like that and she asked me for salt? i could see how skinny she had become from not eating for months and years. my life without friends would be hell. no smiles. no laughter. for years. how can the human spirit take that? all these thoughts running through my head. I couldn’t take it. I cant believe I actually cried. it wasn’t just sobbing either. it was like full uncontrollable.. wailing? lol not the right word. just a very emotional time. so sad. so so sad. and just imagine. my dad escaped all this because he left Cambodia for uni before ‘75.. but my mum wasn’t as lucky. I cant imagine how hard it would have been for her. she was about 16 when it happened. of course all us cambo kids have heard the stories of the hard times in those years. but can we really imagine them? I guess I tried today and that’s why my eyes weren’t very dry. I haven’t cried in like.. yeaaaaaarsssssssss. I don’t even remember the last time. I guess we build up a crying debt. all that anger and sadness just all came out this afternoon. and I felt better after. which is good.
so now I guess im okay. quite reflective actually. thankful that nothing like that is happening. but I just keep thinking and thinking. komsot nahh. so sad.
so just pray for peace everyone. inner peace and peace for all. and be grateful for what you have because things can change just like that. something my bio teacher said today really stuck in my mind right now: the only constant thing in life is change. and no matter how bad things seem, they will get better. All we need is patience and hope.
what a day.
thought that we had part II of English sac. gearing up for that in the morning even though the sac was in the afternoon. then comes announcement. year 12s to the hall now. dammit. whyyyyyyy? first period is my free. I need to study for sac. somethings going on.
indeed. we find out about the death of another year 12. as soon as penso announced that there was a collective gasp and a blanket of silence over the entire hall. people who say that others don’t have an aura are sadly mistaken. if you were there you could feel the change in the air. we weren’t told how he died. but I think everyone assumes suicide.
now I didn’t really know this person. he was in my English class last year and I hate to speak ill of the dead but I didn’t really like him to be completely honest. that is definitely not to say I am glad that he has gone if anyone out there intends on twisting my words and making up implied meanings. I would never sincerely wish death upon anyone. but from my past experiences with this guy I think its fair to say that he didn’t really like me either.. for reasons that we can never really understand. sometimes we just don’t like people I guess. clash of personalities.
but yeah a lot of people who didn’t even know him felt sad today. sacs cancelled. everything kinda just went slowly. I didn’t cry or feel overly sad but I did feel different. kinda guilty I guess. like I said I didn’t really like him.. and now hes not around.. and not going to be around. I know that in my thoughts I just wanted him to go away and stop annoying me.. not that he went out of his way to do it.. just in class.. but now he really is gone. I never meant ‘gone’ like this. just be careful what you wish for.
so I didn’t really feel like breaking down at school like some did. but when I came home I was reading this piece written by a former student at my dads high school in Cambodia. A guy a couple of years younger than pa. it was just about the years leading up to the civil war in the 70s.. the boys were guarding the school with guns at night to protect it from Vietcong bombings…forming bonds with guys.. forming bonds with the girls who brought them food and medicine and helped them wash their clothes and catch up on missed lessons.. getting in fights with guys from other schools who came to perve on the girls at my dads school.. lol apparently they had a reputation for being hot. if you look at them now you wouldn’t know LOL. anyway over a couple of years of guarding and stuff leading up to 1975, some of them bonded really well and became really close friends. and then on april 17th 1975 (I never forget that date) the communist Khmer Rouge overthrew the govt and came to power. they evacuated the entire capital city of Phnom Penh in a day and forced everyone to walk out of the city. two students from my dads school, a boy and a girl who had become an ‘item’ after those years of bonding, both 18 years old, decided to walk with each other instead of their families. the boy came to the house of the writer of this piece I was reading during the evacuation and told him what he was doing. these two best friends had no way of knowing it would be the last time they would ever see each other. So once they were out of the city everyone was eventually split into working groups and forced to go and do rice farming. the boy and the girl managed to stay together and were happy.. as happy as they could be anyway. but then one day, the boy was suddenly taken away. the communists suspected him of being an 18 year old fighter pilot for the former government they overthrew. sif 18 year old fighter pilot. they used any excuse to kill. he was taken away in broad daylight and executed in the jungle. the girl was heartbroken and became more like a wandering ghost than a person. thin, starved body, hollow face, hollow soul.
one day, the former student who wrote the piece managed to meet this girl, 2 years after the forced evacuation. they were still doing forced farming, and just by chance these two found each other. their eyes met from afar and they ran toward each other, held hands and were speechless. they just stared at each other for a while. the student asked the girl what had happened to her boyfriend. she told him he was killed. the student was in shock. but soon they had to part. the girl asked the student if he had any salt for her to eat. salt. all they were given each day was a bowl of watery porridge.. mostly water with maybe 10 grains of rice in the bottom. she was so hungry she wanted to eat salt. the student gave her his daily ration of half a rice cake and she left. and as she did it began to rain. the student said he broke down then. and with every drop of rain he said a prayer for his friend to find peace and remember to look after his friends left on earth.
at that point I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down too. just everything that’s happened today and this story.. and I imagined what it would be like if it happened to us now. what if? these people were our age when it happened to them. they had close friends and strong bonds like we do. what would I do if I lost my friends? that’s the question I asked myself over and over as I sat against the wall and yum’d. what would I do? what if I met one of my friends like that and she asked me for salt? i could see how skinny she had become from not eating for months and years. my life without friends would be hell. no smiles. no laughter. for years. how can the human spirit take that? all these thoughts running through my head. I couldn’t take it. I cant believe I actually cried. it wasn’t just sobbing either. it was like full uncontrollable.. wailing? lol not the right word. just a very emotional time. so sad. so so sad. and just imagine. my dad escaped all this because he left Cambodia for uni before ‘75.. but my mum wasn’t as lucky. I cant imagine how hard it would have been for her. she was about 16 when it happened. of course all us cambo kids have heard the stories of the hard times in those years. but can we really imagine them? I guess I tried today and that’s why my eyes weren’t very dry. I haven’t cried in like.. yeaaaaaarsssssssss. I don’t even remember the last time. I guess we build up a crying debt. all that anger and sadness just all came out this afternoon. and I felt better after. which is good.
so now I guess im okay. quite reflective actually. thankful that nothing like that is happening. but I just keep thinking and thinking. komsot nahh. so sad.
so just pray for peace everyone. inner peace and peace for all. and be grateful for what you have because things can change just like that. something my bio teacher said today really stuck in my mind right now: the only constant thing in life is change. and no matter how bad things seem, they will get better. All we need is patience and hope.
posted by -nick @ 8:06 PM
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