you know what..

i am so fckn angry. perhaps angry is not the word. maybe frustrated. okay screw this shit i'm angry. you think things are a certain way and then theyre not. and before you realise it the world you knew no longer exists and no one had the decency to tell you about it. not a clue. its like all of a sudden the earth explodes and you are the only one left because you managed to be abducted by an alien 5 seconds before impact. and then as you speed away you look back and youre like WTF. ALIENS? WTF. EARTH EXPLODED? WTF. ALIENS? NO ONE FCKN TOLD ME ABOUT FCKN ALIENS. AND EXPLODING PLANETS. I AM SO ANGRY.

and thats how i am right now. my state of mind is so mind bogglingly frustrated and GARHMTHERFCK that i had to put this down to try and release some of this shit before i explode. and send little brown pieces of nick all over my nice computer screen. didnt sound right. brown as in thats my skin colour not brown like.. shit brown. anyway.

STILL ANGRYYYYY. you know i guess its true what they say that humans are creatures of habit. we like things just so. thats why we invented stuff like numbers. so we could say LOOK! there are FIVE books over there. FIVE. and in my hand i have TWO dollars. and you do not have ANY dollars therefore i am superior to you and you can be my slave. and from there we grouped things: LOOK! over there are FIVE books. TWO of those books are about COWS and the other THREE are NOT ABOUT COWS. and so on. and so, over the couple million or so years that we have been around.. or the few ten thousand if you want to count from when modern H.Sapiens sapiens diverged from the common ancestor (yes i got 48 in bio -_-) humans have evolved a genuine love, if not obsession and addiction to organising any and everything into some sort of system.

in this way, we have a sense that we are in control. like ohmygod because i know where everything is i can control it all and therefore i am the lord of the earth. SO. i guess its not my fault is it. its genetic. I MUST HAVE ORDER.

and therefore when things suddenly CHANGE and i have absolutely no WARNING i get kind of a shock. and i get angry. wouldnt YOU get angry if someone overtook you in their car without a signal? im sure you would. so now im in a period of change. and anger. and change. and anger. but change nonetheless. and anger.

but the thing is i dont WANT to change. sometimes you just wish for the past you know? when things were so much happier. and less complex. garh the complications of a teenage life. can i just get married earn some money and retire now? that would be so much easier. someone find me a wife.

someone i can be friends with would be nice. she doesnt have to be the prettiest.. as long as shes nice. funny. a bit different? understands me. someone i can talk about what a craphole society is becoming with. someone i can talk about interesting sciencey stuff with. someone who enjoys the arts. culture. music. the fine arts. but someone who does so without a sense of snobbery or being better than those who may not understand said arts. a modernist. but also a traditionalist like me. you know those old asian values. im still an old fashioned boy at heart. man im building quite a list ay. future wife you are out there. lol.

last night i had a dream. with a witch in it. she looked like the one from the wizard of oz with a big green nose and black pointy hat. there were like 15 of my friends (in the dream they were my friends) sleeping in this scary old house for some reason but i had to go upstairs with the witch to a 'special room'. i passed through one room where there werelike scary looking people sitting in chairs: a guy with a jack-o-lantern head, a mummy and a dracula. they looked at me and i was like 'hi guys' but i was shit scared. then i went into another room with another 3 weirdos in chairs. one looked like the penguin from batman. wtf this is like halloween. lol. anyway. i sat down and the witch is like NOW SHOW ME WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR HANDS. I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE ITS WHAT I THINK IT IS. i was like 'okay.. but i dont have anything.. LOOK' and i opened both my hands and in my right hand was a scrunched up receipt from the commonwealth bank and shes like AHHHH and then steps back. and then one of the 3 weirdos gets up from behind me and puts a gun to my neck and pulls the trigger. and i actually didnt feel scared at the time. well i did. but i wasnt like fully panicking. i just sat there and closed my eyes and felt a blast through my neck. however thats supposed to feel. and i opened my eyes and i was like 'oh. right through the neck, huh' and i saw the witch in front of me and then the weirdo blocked my view and put the gun to my forehead. i closed my eyes and was like okay this is it. and he pulled the trigger again and i felt my head flop forward. and it was like.. i was alive for 5 seconds after i 'died' haha. and i heard the witch say something that i forgot. and then it all went black. and i woke up. and i was like HOLY SHIT THAT WAS A FCKD UP DREAM. and my feet were sticking out from under the sheets.

they say the probability of having nightmares gets closer to 1 if you are cold. my feet were cold.

okay so now im not as angry as i was at the beginning of this post. but still.. confused. and a bit.. depressed actually. hopefully i wont have any more weirdass dreams. like that one where im driving but i cant control the car. just moving slowly.. drifting around.. no control except for some weaaaaaaaaaak asssssssss breaks. that are so laggy its like gah shit.

so now im going to go. keep moving on with my life.

nite y'all. hope you have a better one than me.